March 30, 2009

I'm so mad at myself.  Livid and disgusted and sick, in fact.  Is there anything worse than being mad at yourself, for something you did or didn't do?  It's so much more satisfying to be mad at someone ELSE.  You can punish them and demand that they make things right.  Whatever those “things” are.

I can't be mad at anyone else this time.  I'm responsible.  I killed my plants.  All of them.  All.  Of.  Them.  Every last one.  The curly hoya and the regular hoya I've had for close to 25 years.  The ficus that LilSis gave me when she moved to California, along with the other plant she gave me that I never knew the name of.  The gorgeous new hoya hanging basket I found last year.  And the dracaena  from our dad's funeral.  They're all dead.  I put them in trash bags and hauled them to the dumpster.

How did this happen?  How did I keep these living things alive…some from my very first apartment, to the condo, and then to the dark apartment building, only to kill them all here?  Last December 15, on the day of the SPCA Bake Sale, we had the mother of all sleet storms here in Dallas.  I had been baking non-stop for 3 weeks, and was punchy from a 14-hour day of raising money for one of my favorite charities.  By the time I got home and unpacked things and cleaned up my kitchen and fed my furkids and myself, I must have fallen into a coma because I didn't give one thought to all of the literally freezing plants on my north-facing patio.

If I had even one working brain cell at that point, I would have just put a couple of sheets over the poor things to protect them from the sleet and temperatures in the teens.  But did I do that?  Nope.  And so they all died.  I've been watering and watering the little stumps, hoping to see one little green sprig, but none appeared.

I'm a little surprised at how upset I am that all of these living things are dead.  I've taken care of them, watered them, fertilized them, trimmed them, nursed them, moved them, enjoyed them and loved them for so many years.  And now I'm responsible for their deaths.  I know I can get new plants.  But they won't be MY plants.  They'll just be plants.

~BigSis